Where He Finds Me…
No matter where I am, I know that as long as I am looking to find the answers in His Truth, He will always find me.
Day to day, I don’t know what that will look like. Yesterday I woke up anxious, heavy and feeling overwhelmed. Woke up an emotionally and mentally in a place I didn’t expect to be and I was immediately overcome with frustration. How does one wake up feeling a million things and all I did was sleep? Well, tried to sleep.
I spent an hour questioning myself…assuming I was doing something “wrong” or I was dropping the ball…my heart felt so heavy with shame and discouragement…and then it didn’t. Shame is a lie. A LIE. Why do I ALWAYS move into self blame and shame spiraling? Why do I immediately get frustrated with myself? Unreasonable expectations. Making positive changes doesn’t always mean perfect and immediate results. I am still being refined. I am still growing through all of the things of this past 6 months and I am still healing.
That is the thing I think I find myself most frustrated…I am still healing…Healing from loss. Healing from trauma. Healing from all the triggers that have resurfaced. Healing from the hits of the past year…and even in the moments that He has been showing up in the past two weeks…with answers and with a beautiful blessing…I am still walking through a valley.
It is in the changes that I think I have become more aware of how much I had let myself go. I had been running on autopilot since I got in the car to drive to Indiana to be with my dad and I had never turned it off. Wake up, get through the day and do it all again the next day.
When I think about how little regard I had for myself…BUT He never stopped finding me. In the darkness, He was there. In the grief, He was there. In the hit after hit after hit, He was there.
He finds me.
He always finds me.
I may be shattered, but still He is near. I may be screaming in a puddle of pain and suffering, but He still is near. I may be running from every ounce of pain and trying to find any way to make it all stop, but still, HE IS NEAR.
His Word says that He will never leave me or forsake me…I have been so deeply lost that there are times I felt that He had forsaken me, but what I know for sure now is that is not who God is.
He is a Promise Keeper. He is Comfort. He is Peace. He is who He says He is. His Word is TRUTH. I can stand because He will carry me….
He finds me no matter where I try to run. He finds me in the Joy of the smallest moment. He finds me in the darkness of the deepest valley. He will always find me.
You see, He will do the same for you. No matter where you are today. No matter how lost you may feel. No matter how far from Him you have tried to run. No matter how much you think you don’t deserve Him…He will find you. Say His name. Seek His face…no one is far from His gaze.
I woke up yesterday in a pile of anxiety and depression…my day was hard. I functioned on autopilot and sleep was fitful and hard to come by last night…so today when I woke feeling the same, instead of falling into the pattern of yesterday, I fell into Him.
My “house” may feel shaky, but the foundation of my faith is firm. He never has failed me and He has no plans in starting now….
