The Beginning…
I almost laugh as I sit here and start to type, “In the beginning..” Genesis 1:1 is the start of the creation…the perfect creation that was so quickly destroyed by sin. That is the way of it all…sin. It destroys relationships, lives, beginnings, growth…the things of our past that the enemy likes to bring up…shame.
I have put some small things into practice to put myself on a stronger path this year…the grief, the pain and the hardships of the last 6 months have felt like the heaviest of weights…I am not willing to keep drowning in it. I am willing to continue the refinement, the growth and learn the lessons in all of it.
Aaron and I have had the roughest time in the past 6 months. I truly started to feel that the end had started to come. That our 24 year anniversary would only be one of sorrow. I felt the pain and sin that was happening between us was way more worse then the sin of divorce. So that is what I put on the table. The end. I was tired. I was sick of the fighting and the chasm that had formed between us. There was no ending of love…I can’t think of a time that was an issue, but I was just too broken to keep fighting.
I needed the pain to stop. I needed more than promises and words. I wanted it right now. I needed the lifeboat. I needed it more than I needed anything else. I wanted it on my timing and on my terms.
I NEEDED. There it was. The sin of selfishness…the very thing I was accusing Aaron of I had started to manifest in myself. No grace. No compromise…
Deep breath because that conviction was hard to swallow. It wasn’t just about me and even though we weren’t in agreement on pretty much anything, we could find common ground. I cannot control what Aaron does, but I sure could stop being selfish minded and remember who I was.
So we had some HARD talks. Some rough moments and made a choice. To choose love. To choose grace and to give each other the chance to both reassess and find common ground again. One day, one moment at a time.
It probably won’t be easy, but what marriage is?
I have been told I share too much, but it is the people who need to know that they are not alone who matter. Aaron sits here as I type this…encouraging me and okay with me sharing because it is in sharing that we can show that He has all the glory in us making it this far and in what happens next.
We are two very imperfect people dealing with a lot of outside things. But we are two imperfect people who love each other. Who want more than the chasm we created together. Who want healing and to see what it means if we just walk hand in hand into the unknown. Because for us, there is a lot of unknown in the year ahead…decisions both big and small and hopes and dreams that we feel pressed to push for.
Love is a choice. It is also an emotion. I look at him sitting here and I know I love him…even if I don’t always like him…BUT I can’t imagine he always likes me…I know how I can be.
The conviction. Hard. Painful. BUT needed. I should know by now to not get in the way of His timing and plans…the loss and the hardships of the past six months had me screaming for control of something…I am thankful He gave grace and showed me before I caused permanent hurt.
I am just a girl trying to find her place again. I am just a girl submitting to His will and allowing Him to teach, show and refine. I am just a girl who wants to be more in His image, even if it is painful.
He is good and He is good to redirect us if we just allow Him to be who He is.
