When It All Feels Broken

What a feeling.

Life swirling around you and you feel like you are barely holding on to the tiny anchor that is keeping everything from completely spinning out.

And you are trying. Trying to gain traction. Trying to get your footing back on track. Trying to do all the things that you know help regulate the balance and day to day of life. But it all just feels like it is chaotic and swirling around you, ready to take you down.

For me this feels like complete brokenness. I always live in a certain level of chaos. That is how my creativity flows, how I keep everything moving and organized. I realize that may not make a lot of sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. BUT this…this is a whole different ballgame.

Writing almost seems impossible because even though I have all these thoughts and ideas in my head, it is jumbled. So why not just write about the jumbled mess in my head.

I know I keep talking about getting it together and the truth is, I am working on it. I am trying. I keep trying and even when it all just knocks the breath out of me, I try again. Can I just say I am EXHAUSTED with the trying. I just want to be DOING.

And that is trap. That is where the enemy keeps getting me because in the process of trying, when it doesn’t go MY way, I feel like I am losing what little control I thought I was gaining…and THERE IT IS. CONTROL. Why even finish the sentence when the problem just jumps out right at me. Control. My biggest obstacle. The obstacle of my own making and my complete undoing. I know it, the enemy knows and together we have just created this perfect storm of brokenness. Yes, I said together because I know trying to do it all in my control is sin and yet I find myself reaching for it, craving it and working overtime to make it all happen.

So I sit here, weeping as I type this because so much is just out of my control that I can’t stand it, I am fighting it, yet He is here. Comforting my hurt, desperately trying to give me the Peace that passes all understanding and even in my intentional and unintentional rejection of that Peace, He keeps trying.

I want the refining to become obvious. I want to know EXACTLY what He is doing and where He is taking me because in the middle of my loss, in the middle of all the non-stop things that seem to keep happening, in the middle of all of the chaos in my mind and heart I so desperately want to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I keep pushing away the light that is right in front of me RIGHT NOW. Him.

He wants me in the right now. He wants me to let go and just lean into Him. Trust Him. Rest in Him and most of all to give that stronghold of control over to Him so He can do what He is best at. And as I sit here is the knowing of all of this, that silent fear creeps in that if I give it all up to Him then what? And there is the biggest lie and deception the enemy has in the midst of this control battle. Fear.

And I laugh at myself because how many times have I fought this battle within myself? This war that I somehow know better than the Creator of the Universe? Then the one who created me? In the quiet of the room I sit in. In the middle of the mundane of the day, I find myself grasping at nothing because in the end, I can do this His way or I can do it the wrong way.

I am tired of the wrong way. So maybe, just maybe, as I close this out, Him and I can find a place of solid ground. One where I lay broken before Him, fall into humble submission and just give to Him all of it because I just can’t anymore. But He can. At the foot of the cross. At the altar where is arms are always open wide…I come and fall into the arms of grace.