When Everything Feels Wrong

So much feels wrong…off…unsettled. I have stopped writing this so many times because I find fear in what people will say, think because sometimes honesty, the truth of where someone may be sitting bothers others.

I am tired of fearing my truth. I am where I am in this day. I am hurting. I am broken. I am angry and I am confused. I am questioning so many things about plans and purpose.

I say all of that and also need to say that in all of these swirling emotions and questions and moments, I have NEVER questioned who He is and have never doubted He has a plan. Some would probably say that it makes no sense to say the above and then say that. I say it does. Just check out some of David’s Psalms.

My soul hurts. I feel like ten thousand hits just keep coming. And yes, there could always be worse things. I KNOW. That is where the problem is for me. It is the way people act when you are struggling and in a place. It is the judgement and the misguided intentions or the “advice”.

I have to sit in my pain and my feelings. I have to process and understand and I know that I am in the middle of a constant battle of trusting Him and trying to take control. I know this.

I can’t wear the fake mask of being okay. I can’t act like everything in me is screaming in pain and grief and confusion. It is exhausting. I miss my dad. Somedays I feel angry. Then the washer breaks and I am like seriously one more thing? Then next thing you know the dog has tore up the toilet paper roll and I was like okay so there just had to be one more thing and I find myself crying in the corner because I am over it. But in those tears, I am crying out to Him in my pain and even though I may be asking why, I also know at some point it will all come to be and it will make sense. Most days, I wish we could hit that point.

It doesn’t feel right to feel like this because I know He is not the Author of confusion. I know He works all things together for His good. I am just a human. Broken, hurt and confused and trying to figure it all out in the middle of navigating all this grief.

Trials, road blocks, moments all make it more jumbled and the more I find myself trying to act okay, the worse it all feels. I am not fine. I am hurting. I feel raw. I feel misunderstood and most of all I feel like the path I was on that was making all the sense in the world has crumbled beneath my feet.

And as I sit here typing this and putting all the truth of my soul out, i can almost take a breath again because it isn’t just sitting in my mind like a burden. Once it is in the reality, it is not in the darkness where the enemy can use it against me.

Most of all, I know He is with me. I know He is Peace, Comfort and Truth and I know that even when I am in the middle of all of the things I said above, He is still Good and He is still God and He is still in control. I know He loves me in the midst of all of my insanity. I know there is so much to be learned in this season and I know that I am going to stand fully in the light with so much strength and understanding….in His timing, not mine.