Today, I Hate the Hallway.
Hate it. Sick of it. Tired of it. I think it is too long, has to many doors and is asking for too much. I literally feel like I am so ripped raw that the slightest movement will feel like I am on fire.
Today, I don’t want one more moment of growth…of stretching…of trying to heal. I want to stuff it all back in the door about three back and lock it up and throw away the key. Forget it. Let’s just put back on the mask of being “okay”, the fake smile and call it a day.
We have hit the place in the hallway that the past, the present and the future are overlapping and one needs the other to make more sense before the next moment can happen and the triggers are coming a million miles an hour and I can’t breath with the weight of it all.
Growth…stretching…healing…the enemy whispers in my ear at every turn that I am not equipped for it all. I am not worthy. I am not ready. I am not strong enough. And sometimes when the crushing weight of grief, of hurt, of suffering takes over…I believe it.
The day to day right now is killing the healing I so desperately seek from the past. The punch to the gut. The hurt in the text. The voice on the other end of the phone that doesn’t recognize…the lack of empathy or compassion to just understand that this is the best I have right now…the lies of the enemy seem to be clothed in proof.
I am so fully human in my tears that I can’t seem to find my way to the side of me that is so fully healed in the Spirit…no this isn’t a crisis of faith…of trust in His Truth…of knowing He has a plan and a purpose…it is just a fully human person standing in the valley of the hallway looking behind her, standing in the thick of the day and seeing that as she looks forward the hallway is longer than she thought and just feels so tired.
Tears streaming, heart racing, breathing erratic the panic of the anxiety of the crippling depression that threatens to consume me…the part of grief that really looks like anger at the loss that I wasn’t prepared for…the loss of what could have been and the absolute disgust of feeling jealous that other people can still call their dads…hug their dads…even have the option to ignore them when they are still here…the part of pain when someone you deeply love is slipping away…not just in body, but in mind and the thought of losing the biggest anchor you have here on this earth…FEAR. It threatens to choke the life out of you…and leaves you questioning everything…business…security…what is next…and it all swirls around you…
When you don’t even know what to pray…don’t have the words…just the ramblings and lamenting of what sounds like a crazy person and the darkness threatens to just win…
The lies get louder the darkness gets darker and I found myself LOST in a hallway…
I just can’t…and somehow in all of that I hear the smallest voice say, “but He can.”
And that is where I find myself.
