Life just has a way of creeping in. The silence actually seems loud, the emotions feel to heavy and everything around you is swirling. Meanwhile, you just keep going.
Overwhelmed, beaten down and truly just trying to smile and function.
Because you know that people question you with their thoughts. Why is the struggle still there? Why does the depression linger? Why does the grief has just overcome again?
And the truth is you don’t even have the answers to those questions so you yourself let shame and guilt creep in for no reason…
The truth is, I feel so strong and like I have grown in so many ways, yet I feel weak and defeated in others.
But Jesus is faithful.
Without a doubt, I know His love is so deeply real. That He has a plan and a purpose for it all. Even in the deeply hard moments where everything threatens to drown me and I feel like I can’t breathe, He has brought clarity and the right words in the right moment to let me know He is near.
Losing the greatest anchor in my life has shaken me in ways I didn’t even realize until things have happened and all I want is to hear my Grammas voice. The voicemails are not the same. The way she could reground me to the surface of this earth and remind me that I am meant to be the person I am with just her voice. It was a true sound of peace in my life and the absolute reflection of His love.
I knew the day would come that she wouldn’t be here, but thinking and reality are not the same.
But in all this, His Word has become a deeper comfort and the moments I feel Him so true on this side of Heaven have started to matter in a different way. When the earthly anchors in this life no longer are next to you, for me, my need for Him has become more desperate.
I know that He is the true anchor. The truest One I need, but I also believe He gives us tangible people…and for someone like me who has met Him later in life and had to grasp and learn and who has run so fast hard to get away from Him so many times….
For me whose life was never picture perfect in ways that almost seem unimaginable…who couldn’t always grasp the grace and love and absolute forgiveness of the things I had chosen to do…who couldn’t wrap her head around a Father who is perfect and everything you actually need…who almost feared Him because He was just that…everything…having a tangible person to hold on to in the darkest of storms was necessary.
Because the truth is, I wasn’t ready to accept Him all the way. I wasn’t ready to believe the truth of who He is forming me to be. Who sometimes can’t believe how deep, how wide the love of God actually is.
I feared the Light. I feared the Truth. I feared the reality of what He truly is. I feared what He may ask of me.
Fear is truly a liar and even in the moments you KNOW it is a lie, the shame and the guilt and the inadequacy of what you feel about yourself can distort everything.
It is a constant battle. The war against the enemy is real and it is a constant active force trying to derail…
But I know that in Him I am so much more than I can even imagine. I know that He has a plan and even though I feel so much more broken than anyone actually knows, that I am loved. In my brokenness, there is healing.
So, I will keep going and know that the path set before me has more than I know and that He is going to do a mighty thing in me and with me.
Because He loves me...
