Broken as my Life May Be…

I wish I could say that this is the easiest blog to write. I wish I wasn’t nervous or feeling a small tinge of fear…but I am all of that and more.

The difference is, I know the time is here and that He has made my path so clear again. I walk fully into the obedience, but I also walk in not knowing what it all means and where it will ago.

I walk in Trust.

It is no secret for those of you who have read my blog and follow me or know me in real life that I have struggled since the loss of my dad.

Before my dad passed, everything about my path was so clear…it made so much sense and then my life halted in the days before he passed and never seemed to start again. It was like I was in autopilot and even as time went on it never seemed to come back.

I was so broken.

I AM so broken, but I am not defeated. I am not alone and I understand more now than ever that in my brokenness He has been doing more than I realized. As I began to see that realization my world was completed rocked again with the loss of my Grammas.

There is no one better than her. It has been a little than four months and I am still not walking in that full realization that she is truly gone from this Earth. There is no one in my life that matches who she has been for me and the depth of my love and respect for her. Losing her, my dad’s mom, was something I always thought I would have my dad for. It brought back his loss in a way that I can’t explain and it began to really unravel me.

So I began to press into Him more and try to wrap my head around all the things swirling in my mind and the depth of the ache of loss…

I really started to realize that I wasn’t well. Physically, emotionally, mentally and though I was in a good balance spiritually, the other three was wearing on me so hard that I found myself questioning Him more than listening. Every part of me was going every which direction and nothing was on one path.

I felt so lost. More broken than I wanted to say out loud. Grief buried so deep that I couldn’t find a way to release it. Everything felt so quiet.

But God…in a way that only He can, He made sure to make known to me that He had a plan. Before I could even wrap my head around the small moments, someone I didn’t even know spoke so much life and hard truths and just things that only He could know…not just once, but twice and it shook me.

Then came She Speaks. I was excited and also feeling trepidation. Was I open to listen? Was I open to meeting people? After finding a table to sit at and listening to some powerful teachings…ones that started to echo what was spoke over me, I made friends with someone who was just amazing and it wasn’t long before she was speaking over me…echoing similar things but even more deep. Just to have the talks echo her and I knew He was near.

I also knew that He was asking me to do hard things.

Trauma has been a part of my life for a long time, but so has forgiveness. The problem with trauma is that it brings triggers and the loss of my dad and then my Grammas brought so much to the front. Things that I don’t want to think about or feel. It is hard to know that to get to a place of healing that sometimes you have to walk through the things that hurt you the most.

Sometimes to get to other side..to be able to allow your mind, body and spirit to connect to each other to begin to fully healing, you have to do the hard thing. The hard thing for me is almost crippling to think about, but necessary.

I will walk in Trust and Obedience.

Healing has to be a priority, I know that He has called me back to the path I was on before I lost my dad. The difference is that this path has become more clear and requires me to take back the things that were lost - how else can His light shine brighter without me fighting the darkness that threatens to cripple me.

The darkness is not something anyone should sit in. I have found my through it, but it has always lingered because even in forgiveness, the pain still has sat in my mind and body…breeding triggers and sometimes feelings of hopelessness…feelings that I am damaged, unable to heal, forever broken and not able to walk in the things I feel called too because I wasn’t enough.

I let myself believe the lies and in the midst of all of my grief, it all felt so heavy and just easier to let the cloak of darkness surround me than to fight my way through. I began to fear that I would find myself in the same place I was around 8 months after my dad had passed…tired of pretending to be fine…tired of suffering so deeply in so much silence…tired of trying to navigate the loss accompanied by the complete derailment of everything I thought I would be happening at this point in time. I was tired of being in pain. I had just gotten home from a small trip and I know it all looked fine, but it really wasn’t. So I did the only thing that made sense. I tried to take my own life. I needed to feel some crazy sense of peace, a sense of the darkness being lifted and to be able to just take a deep breath.

I knew I had people who loved me, who would have surrounded me and helped me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to let out all the things that were inside. The dark was so heavy and it was the only thing that made sense, even though it really didn’t. I made the decision and thankfully it didn’t work.

I know that many of you will read that and be shocked. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever typed, but the truth is, because it has sat in the dark, it has lingered around me. There has been so many moments that the thought has crept back…that if I tried again, the pain would all go away. The crippling grief, the loss of my path and the absolute feeling of unworthiness that had started to choke me…I started to believe that my path was derailed because I was so broken that I didn't deserve the call on my life.

Until a few weeks ago, I still struggled with the dark thoughts…and then someone spoke over me. Then I went to the conference and someone else spoke over me…and He used the speakers to confirm those things over and over. I sat in my hotel room and just wept so many times.

But it was one other thing that really pierced the cloak of darkness. The people who spoke over me lightened it and the speakers started to shake it off, but then the worship leaders started worship…one song…then another and then it happened….

Before the loss of my dad, when I was so sure of the path, I had a song I loved to listen to. It was how I opened my heart to hear Him and remind myself that I wanted to be in His will. I would listen to it before I blogged or spent time praying…it was kind of the “map” I used to stay on that path…and when the first few bars of the song started I knew,

I knew I absolutely needed to be where I was. That He was making sure I heard every word spoke over me before the conference, during the conference and that every teaching sat in my chest.

I leave this blog with that song…and with a little less of a burden because what I shared here has now been brought to the light - the darkness no longer has a hold on it and the shame is no more. My heart is available to be used by Him again.