Piece by Piece
Well we just dove right in. Jesus and I sat face and to face and really just had one of those deep lamenting prayers till I was exhausted.
I am thankful that He always listens.
Choices. So much of what we do, how we act and where we move next is about a choice. I know that I hold so much responsibility in what happens next for me.
I can choose to stay stagnate. Crawl into bed, pull up the covers and just, well, do nothing. Truthfully, this is actual helpful once in awhile. Sitting with my feelings. Processing the weighty emotions and trying to take all of what is setting in my head and heart and unscrambling it. Resting.
I can choose to do things that fill my heart and soul. Reading for fun, writing, volunteering, spending time with the people I love most…
I can choose to take active steps to work on healing and growth. Continued counseling, reading for learning, self care…
Right now, in this moment, my grief is heavy…my depression is lurking…I have some things I am worrying about…so I added some volunteering, I signed Aaron and I up for a class at church…I am making sure I take time to communicate with Him and do a simple devotional…small choices, but ones that bring comfort, push me to get out of the house and get me in a pattern of habits.
When I sat face to face with Jesus and poured out all the things…it wasn’t easy. Yes, I know He knows what I am thinking…but in pouring out, I question Him, I rail, I cry, I feel frustration and anger…I hold nothing back…and find myself really thankful that He has grace and unconditional love.
But in that time, I know He is picking up a small piece and putting me back together. The enemy had a deep hold on me before that…I was buying into so many lies, letting myself be cloaked in fear and forgetting that though the things of this world are really hard, Heaven isn’t.
He knows. He knows pain, loss, suffering…He walked this earth and saw things that I know grieved Him. Though He was without sin, and Lord knows I am not…He knows the weight as He carried it for us on that cross and felt the separation from His Father.
My lamenting and railing may be more than it should be…but what I do know is that when I speak it all into the light, the darkness losses a lot of its power.
I need more of Him and less of me as we start picking up these pieces…I am thankful He is aways willing to give me what I need. Even if it is hard.
