A Revelation…
Not yet.
I feel like that is all He ever says to me.
Not yet.
I sat in counseling the other day for the first time in almost two months…bless holidays and life…and as I manically tried to beat around the bush with all the things that have annoyed me, frustrated me and confused me…poured out how frustrated I feel that my physical health is now being affected because my emotional and mental health is so off…anxiety is a terrible thing.
Fear. Grief. Not Trusting. Bitterness. Guilt…
There is a crazy thing that happens during a time of loss. As I sat with my dad, making decisions with all of the information I had at my fingertips and based on conversations with my dad, I know that I made the right decisions. What no one tells you is that in the grief, you question yourself. That in the missing, you have seeds of guilt that come into play. You think about signing papers and you find yourself in the deepest of struggles in what was right and what you wish could have been,
Watching someone you love move from this life to the next is never easy. I wasn’t prepared for the loss of my dad. I was prepared for the lingering grief, for the what could have been moments, to have moments where you think to yourself it has been a minute since we chatted, that sitting by his side as he passed would be so traumatic…I wasn’t prepared for everything that came after…no one tells you that people you never expected to show up for you will in ways that stay in your heart forever…and that people you thought would be there couldn’t even be bothered…
It has changed me. It is still changing me.
But it isn’t just this that has changed me. As the conversation with my counselor kind of moved forward - because when I am at a 10 out of 10 in my anxiety, my ADD in conversation topics hits into overdrive…he pushes me to realize that I cannot continue to build a wall around all the things that I feel and expect myself to not just completely collapse one day.
Fear. Grief. Not Trusting. Bitterness. Guilt…
It has affected every relationship in my life. I feel myself distancing, smiling and pretending it is all fine, and most of all, unable to talk about the things I need to most.
Revelation.
After I left counseling and have spent some time thinking on it all…what I do know is that even in the above 5 I also have…
Hope. Gratitude. Love. Healing.
Hope. In the most broken of times that growth will prevail and He will give me all that I need. That even when I felt hopeless and alone, He showed me that some people may never show up, but the ones that are for you ALWAYS will. It has strengthened and solidified relationships in a way that I know that I am truly blessed.
Gratitude. Even when it is by a thread, He has sustained me. That even as my marriage has struggled, He has kept us fighting for it and reminding us just how much we can overcome.
Love. There is a lot of it. It comes from all directions and even when you try to push it away, He will keep it coming.
Healing. It is happening. It may not always be obvious, but it is there. It may be slow, but it is real. It may be painful, but it is true. It will be fully realized in His timing. That timing may be hard to accept, but I would rather it be true than a just a bandaid.
The 5 that are crippling me…they won’t break me. Well, they won’t break me all the way. For the cracks they cause, I will be reshaped, changed and after they are all filled in, I will be more than I was before. Hopefully with more to give, more understanding and most of all, I will be created more into the person He is calling me to be.
I let myself become shaken. The lies of the enemy, the emotions that took over…I let myself, my faith be shaken.
But God. He is for me. He brings revelation and in revelation comes leaning and learning and pressing into the things I need to do to move forward in healing…in the hallway.
In His arms, I will not be shaken.
