One vs. Ninety-Nine

I love when He reminds us what was obvious. This isn't about my salvation, but about a time that I allowed myself to be isolated.

I was reminded in Luke 15:7 "there will be more JOY in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance". As I read this today, for the first time I thought about in context of a believer who has allowed themselves to fall into sin, but awoke from the darkness and ran into the light of healing.

Maybe I have touched on this in previous posts, but I never go back and look at them when I feel the need to share. I trust His prompting is for a reason.

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for a long time. I think that for too long, people have felt they could not share this part of their story. Too often it is told that when you suffer this way, your faith must be lacking, your prayer life struggling, your Bible is not being read enough....though I believe this can sometimes be true, the majority of the time it is not and I never want to be ashamed to share the truth of my life and my story.

I have faced some truly dark days. I have felt so lost and so deep in the valley that swallowing a bottle of pills was my only escape...an escape that I tried a little over a year ago. It wasn't because I felt like He didn't love me or that I was far away from Him, but my only escape from the depression. I was tired of being tired. I was tired of being in pain. I felt like a burden. I had spent over a year dealing with constant health issues and just being in some of the most miserable pain I have ever experienced. I was in counseling, I was doing everything I was supposed too and I still was hurting. I knew I was loved, needed, wanted...I knew I had a purpose, that He was pursuing me. I knew all the truth. I believed all the truth, but I could not shake the depression, the darkness.

I am grateful I was spared. I am grateful I woke up and realized I was making a mistake. Not everyone does.

Suicide is real.

We wake and find ourselves shocked when we find out that people we never expected have lost their battle to suicide and we struggle because we cannot find the answers to why or understand their why.

I wish I could say that was my last bout of depression, but I cannot. The truth is that it is always there. Sometimes so far behind me I think it will never creep up again, but sometimes it does.

I have never been more spiritually strong. I have never felt closer to Him. I have never been more immersed in His Truth and in His Word. I cannot wait to go to church and be immersed with the body. I have never felt more of a desire to be in ministry than I do right now. It is because in a deep moment of darkness, I felt Him come searching for me. See, I do not know how many righteous He left that day to come find this struggling sheep, but I never felt more hope and rejoicing from my soul then I did the day I know He sought me out.

I was lost in a lie of the enemy that my burden was too much for my circle. That my weakness and fears were too much to ask for prayer for. I mean, how many prayers could a person keep asking for? I believed every lie and began to make sure I was alone. I began to hide away and put on the smile. I said I was fine, nothing was wrong, everything was great...I let myself think that I had to be alone. LIES. ALL LIES. We are meant to live in community. It doesn't matter how much prayer we need, what matters is that we are asking for truth to be spoken in our lives, that we are surrounding ourselves with people who will not let us live lies and darkness, but will bring us into the light of His truth and Word. Some of us need that more often than others. Maybe it is just for a season or maybe it is for more than one, but that is why the body functions. We all need each other.

I need my people. I have found strength in asking for prayer because it is in that time that I see Him work through others to love me. I need to have truth spoken over me. I need to be in a community of worship. I need to be part of my group of sheep and it is my hope that in that community, if I see one wandering that I would seek them out as much as He would.

He does not hesitate to leave the 99 for the 1.

You matter.

You are important.

You have a purpose.

You are needed.

You are an important part of the body, because when it is missing even the smallest piece, it cannot function properly.

You are not meant to be isolated and alone.

You deserve love and light.

You matter.