On a Hard Day.

Heavy. I woke up with a weight on my chest that threatens to take the breath right out of me. Anxiety reared its ugly head before I could open my eyes and that is just the reality of my life today.

Painful. Both mentally and physically it hurts. From letting the words of others to just my own inward struggle I allowed lies to creep into my mind and settle in my heart.

Discouraged. Suffering with anxiety and depression is frustrating, annoying and something that is not easy. Weeks…months…days…it depends, but sometimes there are these gaps where it feels like it is all leveling out and then in the same minute it can last just as long as the break.

Misunderstood. It is hard enough to suffer from medical issues that are “unseen” but in turn to have anxiety and depression…Putting on the “happy face” just became easier because no one wants to hear the daily struggle and sometimes, not focusing on the “things” makes it easier to choose to be present in the day.

Peace. I am thankful everyday that because of who He is and what He did on the cross has given me access to know that in Him I have Peace. In Him I have the promise that one day I will be in my heavenly home and none of the things of this world will ever be able to pierce through the light of heaven. I will never have to fear words, people, pain, the emotional and mental struggle…some days, in the day to day of life, that is the thing I choose to grasp. He never promised life here would be easy and He definitely never said He wouldn’t give me more then I could handle…but that is the thing, He is there to handle it. Now if I could learn to completely let go and give up control. When I wake up with this kind of weight, my flesh screams to try to navigate all the things and fight or flight kicks in….frankly these days, it is all flight…and I feel like a bird that is caught in a house, stuck in a corner TRYING to get out.

But He says to be still. To know He is God. To Trust in His Truth and that He has a plan and a purpose and will work it all in His timing. Most days I can repeat that to myself until my brain overcomes my emotions and I can go from a 10 to at least a 5…and then there are the days that I get myself down to an 8 and triggers fly at me from all ends and the enemy sits back and claps his hands in joy because I find myself hurt, defeated and feeling like I have failed in trusting what I know to be true…and here comes the shame…and the weight feels just a little heavier…and it is just a vicious cycle.

The suffering of this world feels so so heavy. And I am not even talking about what is happening outside of my own “house”. I am talking about the challenges set before us as believers. The refinement, the recognizing our own sins and working to overcome and become more in His image…because that is what I know I want. To choose Him. His refinement. His path for me. And somedays the work, the grace I need to extend myself all seems like a lot….

Don’t misunderstand. Choosing Him is always the choice I want to make, but choosing Him isn’t always easy. In fact, I say it is harder because the world hates it….my heart and mind fight the things that He says is right…because my flesh is weak and my heart is hurt….and it is a whole struggle.

This doesn’t mean that I can’t see the joy in the pain, the triumph in the struggle…It is just part of this journey I find myself in. This long, so very long, walk in this valley.

He says to come to Him in my weary and heavy laden state and He will give me rest. He says that in Him I will find Peace. He says that He is the Light that pierces the darkness…so those will be the things I cling to today.

For those of you that find yourself feeling all of the things today, as the lyrics of this song say:

“I pray for your healing, that circumstances would change. I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus name. I pray that a breakthrough would happen today. I pray miracles over your life in Jesus name.” (Katy Nichole - “In Jesus Name”)

You are not alone. You are loved. You can make it through this day even if it is just by clinging to the promise of heaven because nothing else makes sense.

You are strong, you are worthy and you have a purpose. In Jesus name.