Breathing.

Breathe.

This is the first thing that I think as I start to type. It isn’t fear that holds me back, or that has stopped me. It is myself. I hate that I get myself in a spiral that I feel like I shouldn’t. Literally, I just buy into the lie. Sigh…progress. I am a work in progress.

Life has been such a challenge lately. I don’t like when I find myself in a spiral. When I feel like I am being pulled from grief to joy to this crazy area of “middle” where I don’t know whether I am coming or going. I never thought I would be sitting here not knowing how I feel day to day. I find myself realizing that grief is really a challenge. It isn’t that I haven’t experienced immense loss. Losing my Grandpa Art was a huge void. One that I still feel, but losing a parent is really different. Losing a parent that I didn’t leave anything unspoken with, but missed out on a lot with…really different.

I feel like this has changed a lot in me. It makes me look at myself and my life different. What matters to me, who matters to me…where I want to be when I leave this earth…and mercy, that could be tomorrow for all I know, but it is more about where I want to be inside…knowing I am always striving to be created more in His image…not lost in lies and temptations…and I have found myself lost a lot lately.

I struggle in the lost.

Struggle because well who wants to be lost. Struggle because it makes the depression so much deeper and the anxiety always just right there. Struggle because being lost means I am not in tune with my walk with Him. And that is the big one. See, it isn’t a matter of faith of knowing He is near or that He has a plan…it is the knowledge that I let the enemy in. I let the lies win. I let myself get stuck. And yes, I did that.

I did.

It was hard to start realizing that a year ago, I started to see His path for me. I knew where I was going to be starting to be heading…with Beautycounter, with this blog and my facebook group and with my VA business. I was focused, energized…READY. Then life. And I have been in that place for so long. But I also know there is a lot of lessons in this place. Some I have started to see, some that are starting to come to light and some that I can close the book on and be thankful.

I am listening. I am finding my way back to the path I started a year ago. I am refocusing and finding that same energy and excitement. I am finding my groove in my VA business and in what I want with Beautycounter. Aaron and I are finding footing in our business and what happens next for us…yep, a lot…

I can do hard things. I can get through the darkest of days (and there has been more then I want to admit). I can reach the goals and the things that I was moving towards a year ago. I can because in Him and in His plans, I can do all things. In my own strength and in my own desire, I can’t. It may feel good for a moment, but in the long term it crashes and burns and leaves me empty. I want to be fully present in who He is creating me to be. I want to be fully okay in where I am in this place. Broken, but also mending. Hurting, but also finding joy. Questioning, but also trusting in Truth.

I am breathing. One breathe to the next. I am breathing. He is here and that is where I place my trust and hope in.