Never Be Ashamed of Who You Are
When I think about how long I have spent trying to fit into a "mold" that other people wanted me in, it makes me sad. Sad for the person I knew I was, but never felt like she was good enough. Sad that I allowed myself to be pushed to conform to what others thought was "right". I think this is something a lot of women do. We want to be like the women down the street who looks like she has it all together. We want to have perfect hair, makeup, clothes so we can measure up to societies version of the "ideal" women. We want to fit in with a group at church so we don't share our struggles, thoughts, opinions because we just want to be accepted, not judged.
Can I just tell you that the stress and anxiety to fit in was causing me to not even believe in myself anymore. I was so busy trying to make others happy or keep myself quiet, that I was losing my identity not just in myself, but most of all in Him. My husband has always encouraged me to be me, to trust the things that He had laid on my heart and mind, but the fear of female judgement and rejection clawed at my soul. In listening to the Therapy and Theology Podcast with Lysa Terkeurst (Proverbs 31 Ministries), she said that she is someone who "loves deep, hurts deep and remembers big" and I was over here saying, "SAME!" I have been hurt so much because of investing my heart in something or someone...so I stopped trying to be me and just tried to fit in. I take full responsibility for this decision and it was one of the worst I could have made for myself. I ended up feeling so broken, lost and just confused.
Last year was one of the worst times we have experienced as a family. Everything was crashing down around me and I finally had hit a point that I had never let myself get to...I had lost and had no control....hear me say, I have never let myself get there because I had always found a way to stay in control, fix it, make it work....and there I was, a pile of brokenness, devastation and hurt. So I took a step that I never had before....
This was not just the biggest step in my life, but one that was desperately needed and has forever changed me. For the first time, I really looked to Him and said okay. I cannot, CANNOT do this anymore. I gave it all to Him. I had never done that before, but there was nothing left. I could do NOTHING. I didn't know that taking that step was going to mean one of the biggest times of refinement in my life, but there I was and there it began. I sought His Word like never before, I prayed like never before, I sought counsel and without shame had a group that I asked for intercessory prayer for. I read a book that changed my life...I think I cried more in these few months, then I ever have, but He was burning off so much and creating so much new....
I realized that I had spent to long looking at myself the way I thought everyone (well almost everyone) wanted me to be and see...I let it go and started to really see just how He saw me. How His creation of me, how He made me was everything He needed for me to be able to start to walk in His purpose and plan for my life. All the things that I tried to change or hide were everything I needed to be free in Him and as the ashes formed around me, the beauty began to grow. I am talking about the kind of beautiful growth that comes from loving yourself as a person, accepting and molding your spiritual gifts and having a relationship with Him that is something like I had not experienced.
I don't want to be like everyone else, I just want to be me. Perfectly imperfect, but forever willing to be formed and molded more into His image. Free from the chains of wanting to be accepted and walking in the truth that He has for me. Do I think that I will be perfect at this? No, but I welcome growth and learning opportunities.
We need to stop thinking we need to be like everyone else and we need to start being who He has created us to be. Seek His Word and Truth, meditate on what you learn, seek to find what your spiritual gifts are and walk in the freedom of knowing that He created you for a specific purpose and in His image. This may not look like other moms, friends, wives...but it will look like someone He wants you to be if you are seeking His truth.
