Just to be Clear

It has been so long since I have put my thoughts down this way. There has been so much going on and though I constantly find myself with so much to say, I just haven’t done it. Being vulnerable and transparent is not hard for me, but having people be critical of that vulnerability and transparency is.

I knew putting myself out there would bring in some kind of commentary. I am welcome to it, when it is constructive. So I just stepped back to contemplate and decide what was best for me and next thing you know, it has been months.

I last wrote about how faithful He is and that is still true. My relationship with Him grows stronger each day, in spite of the challenges, judgments, valleys…I am seeking Him more and desiring growth in a way that I never have before.

I think it is amazing when you take a step into a place you feel He is calling you too and He begins to affirm and show you more and more that you are doing and you are moving in the way He wants you too. This can be hard sometimes because as you move, the people around you may not understand your choices and for them, they may not seem right and I think that is what makes growth difficult. You may be okay with the growth, but sometimes those around you are not because they don’t understand and it is not what they expected from you.

I have struggled for a long time with anxiety and depression. This is not something I have kept a secret. It has been particularly rough the past few years. Sometimes is comes on in such a way that I can’t even make sense of it myself and the trigger is not staring me in the face. I do all the things to keep a handle on this the best I can with professional guidance and care, but sometimes, there it is.

What I can say, is the more I am obedient, the more the weight makes sense. I saw something recently that says when you ask Him for growth, do not question the rain. That is so true. Sometimes that rain can feel like a tsunami, but if I have learned anything in the past year and a half is that the sun will break through and you will see the purpose and the promise that He does work it all for good.

I do want to address what make me step back. I have all kinds of people in my life. People with different backgrounds and upbringings. I do not hide who I am and what I believe. I think anyone can look at my social media and if they have spent any amount of time with me, they know who I am as a believer and who I am as a person. I love Him. I have fully started to embrace who I am in Him and I am comfortable with that.

I recently found myself being questioned because of my “lack” of conservative Christianity. To be more specific so that more assumptions are not made, I was not questioned, more of a passive aggressive type of thing was said because I really like Worship Music and because of a book I had referenced by a Christian author. I am going to be very frank and honest here. I do not judge anyone by the type of church they attend, the music that is played and what version of the Bible is their preference. Do not misunderstand me when I say that – I do not find all things acceptable and I am not going to sit here and justify my thoughts and opinions, but feel free to message me if you want to question me because I gladly welcome healthy conversations.

In all of that I say this. I answer to two people. Jesus and then my husband. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can warm a pew as many times a week as you want, but if your heart isn’t right, it isn’t right. I will also say, before you go and judge me or make an assumption, you can at least have a conversation with me. Seeing me in my pants and carrying my ESV or KJV tells you nothing about me as a person. If you are judging me by my clothes, that are covering my body appropriately and are approved by my husband, then I really do not know what to tell you. I am an educated, godly woman who has spent many years grappling in my walk with Him because I was trying so hard to make people around me like me and fit into their mold of what they wanted me to be. I was exhausted and defeated because I felt like I would never measure up. The problem with that is I was trying to fit into a human standard of who people thought I should be. So I started to seek Him and from the moment I started to let go and really focus on my heart, seeking His Word, spending more time with Him…I realized I am who He wants me to be. If you don’t want to be my friend because I like worship music, that is your choice. If you don’t want to be my friend because I read multiple versions of the Bible, that is your choice. If you don’t want to be my friend because you think you know where I stand on doctrine, truth and who He is based on those above things, that is your choice and it is your loss.

I am not here to conform to your image and walk in your laws of what following Him looks like. You can say that I am conforming to the world, but I would say to you that you obviously have never talked to me in depth. I say all that to say that if you have a biblical preference of a version of the Bible that is okay. If you only like one type of music in church that is okay. If you only want to wear skirts or think you should only be in a suit at church that is okay. That is not what matters to me about you. If you read this and you feel like I am wrong or misguided, then reach out to me and we can talk.

I love Him. I believe His Word is absolute truth. I believe that He is the only way to heaven. I believe that He died for my undeserving soul because He loved me that much. I believe I am a sinner just trying to make it day by day and doing my best to be more like Him. I don’t think I have it all figured out, but I know where I will be at the end of my days.