Loss.

Loss isn’t just about a person. Losing my dad almost a year ago has been one of the hardest seasons of my life. As I sat in counseling today, it has finally come to the surface that I didn’t just loose my dad a year ago.

I lost a huge part of myself.

A year ago I had a path that couldn’t have been more clear…I had goals, dreams and it all felt aligned with what He was showing me and teaching me. This blog, my Facebook group, both my Beautycounter business and my personal business…it all was making sense. He had made such a clear direction and my heart was so open, so full, so ready…

Plans were made, lists were written, timelines done…it all made sense and I was filled with hope and joy to be able to have what felt like a clearer purpose in such a long time…

Two weeks later everything changed. Auto pilot kicked in and just getting from day to day was all I could do. Once I was back home all of the “after” just kept going and day to day life kicked in and it was all I could do to just keep going…Auto pilot became my best friend and frankly, it wasn’t a healthy friendship.

As I sat in counseling today and just hashed over the past few weeks and tried to articulate all the things I was feeling…it started to really hit me that I wasn’t just hurting because of the loss of my dad, but I was hurting because of everything I lost in the midst of all that.

I am finally in a place to truly grieve my dad and I am finally able to accept the fact that as I grieve him, I have to grieve the losses that came hand in hand with losing him.

In this revelation today, He showed up. It was like He was waiting for me to admit that I was mad in the loss of my personal path. Because yes, I feel mad. Not at anyone, but at myself for taking on all the unhealthy patterns of a true enneagram 2 and just putting all the things that were for me…in the trash and just functioning. And in those few minutes, I handed over all of the anger I had for myself and gave it to Him, took a breath and said let’s start the path over.

So that is what I am going to do. I am going to look at last year and move it into this year. Each goal, hope and dreams will be revisited and reopened for Him to give direction again. I have a big feeling that the path is going to look a little different.

I deeply miss my dad, but I deeply miss the person I was blooming into a year ago. My dad would want me to keep blooming. So as Father’s Day comes and then goes…and the year anniversary of his death comes and then goes I will grieve, but I will use those tears to start to bloom again. To water my soul, my heart and my mind. I will become and I will look for the new path that I know He has for me…the weeds have grown too much. It is time for this wildflower to bloom.