365 Days Later…
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of your death. One year since I saw you face to face, hugged you and even longer since I heard your voice. Yesterday, I felt gutted.
Gutted because I miss you. Gutted because I felt the void and even the anger in you not being here. Gutted because sometimes it just feels unfair…wrong…
Gutted because the hard reality is also that I realize that I have been so stuck. Stuck in this crazy cycle of grief and heaviness…not knowing where to put all the things I lost back into some kind of order and not knowing how to just process the absolute day to day navigation of what it means to lose a parent.
Aaron and I went away for a few days…just so I could have some stillness and rest. To give us a chance to just be without all the noise and with some hope I could work through some of my grief. The grief came…the grief of losing you, of what will never be…and the grief of all that I lost in myself this past year…
I know you would not want me to be stuck...Aleah and I laughed about how you would probably call us “idjits” (IYKYK) and to get ourselves back in gear…
Aaron and I spread some of your ashes. I listened to your voicemail about a billion times…but it doesn’t fill the void that you being gone has left.
The thing is, I have realized that I have to accept that…I have to accept that whether I like it or not, you are gone. You are gone. The things that I hold dear in my heart will always be there…the memories, the photos, the music and even your voicemails…but you are gone. I know that I will never be the same person I was before I walked into that hospital room, but I also know that I have to live…push forward and do all the things that I know you would be proud of me for doing.
Grief is not linear. I don’t know if I will ever stop grieving your loss and what could have been…but I do know that I can keep going…pick up the pieces of what I started a little over a year ago…look at it all again and make sure what He wants for me is still aligned…focus back on my mental, physical and spiritual health…and LIVE.
I will honor you in life. I will miss you everyday. I know that there will be some really hard days in this loss, but I also know that there can be days that I can take a moment and know that you are proud of what I accomplished that day.
Grief is different for everyone. I have learned a level of compassion in losing you that I didn’t understand. I have learned that I have some incredible people in my life…family and friends who made sure that I knew I was loved and thought about…some of your lifelong friends reached out as well…truly a beautiful thing to know how loved you were by others in your life…grace and forgiveness go a really long way.
He is near us in our grief…He grieved for His people when He walked this earth…He is faithful to us in our pain. I haven’t always remembered that in this season. I felt angry, forgotten, betrayed…that is the truth of what and where I was in different times in this season, but as I took time to be still and to listen and seek…I remembered.
I love you, Dad. I can’t imagine how the rest of my days will be without you in them, but I will also send the rest of my days giving you reasons to be proud.
