Loss
Loss.
Grief.
Pain.
These three have riddled my life for over a month now. To clear up some confusion, I am fortunate to have two men in my life that I call dad. My biological dad and my step-dad who has been in my life since I was three. Over a month ago, I lost my biological dad unexpectedly.
I was not prepared to lose my dad. I was not prepared for the weight and the emptiness that have filled that space. I was not prepared for the emotional, spiritual and physical turmoil that the days before he left this earth and the days since have brought. I don’t even think I have begun the process of truly grieving.
No relationship is perfect. No person is perfect. We walked through a lot, my dad and I. But he was my dad and now at 42, my 60-year-old dad is gone. There will never be another phone call, another hug, another moment to just sit in the same room…and that feels heavy.
The last few years have carried a lot of turmoil. A lot of pain…BUT also a lot of forgiveness. As someone who knows they are imperfect and in need of forgiveness on the regular, extending that to my dad was not just something I needed to do, but also out of obedience. It is because of that obedience to do what He asked, I was able to get to a place of healing from the hurts that happened in the relationship during those times and I will forever be thankful that I didn’t let bitterness and hurt take over the past few years.
As I sat with my dad in his last days, I never had a truly lucid moment with him. In my heart I believe he knew I was there. I believe he heard everything I said and I made sure that I said all the things that came to mind…the memories that I will forever cherish….the knowledge that when he left this earth, I loved him, forgave him and would forever miss him….took some time to “talk” through the things that still felt a little raw, but only in a way that let him know that I know those things were left unspoken about between us and that I was okay and he was forgiven.
For me, that was necessary. To know nothing was left unsaid. To speak about the things that felt raw so I knew I had no harboring of thoughts, hurts or whatever could come up later.
As I type this, the loss feels so DEEP. I feel like I have a huge ball of yarn in my chest that has a million strings coming out of it and I don’t know which one to pull first to start the grieving and processing how hard the days before he passed were. How to process the it will never be…this will never happen again…and to even process the questions I have for Him. Yes, I feel like I have questions…BUT I have not lost the knowledge that God is sovereign. His plan and His timing do not always have to make sense…I am still human…a girl who lost her dad in a time that feels to soon.
The grief is raw, it is fresh and it all just hurts and I believe that as long as I am clinging to Him, it is okay to sit in those feelings while I figure this all out.
God is still good. He is still God. I know He is near and I know that He has not left me…even in the days my emotions overtake what I know is the truth, I know He has not left me. He will never leave you either. If you have days that you feel that way, I promise His truth outweighs ANY emotion we carry.
He is who He says He is….Comforter, Peace, Light…Love.
Have you struggled with a loss? How have you healed…walked through…?
