In Every Season, I Know He Loves Me

The past 10 days have been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster.

I felt the rollercoaster starting (I was anticipating it), but I was not prepared for all the extra ups and downs, twists and turns....and I have found myself more emotional lately and my mind constantly running.

Isn't that the way it always is when you are anticipating growth? I mean let's be honest, the enemy never likes it when we start stretching ourself and pushing ourself into a season of growing. I was even prepping for the attacks, but some days they just hit like bricks and I found myself having to work harder to fight against them.

This season of life is not helping. I find myself in constant anxiety...wearing a mask is a major trauma trigger for me and even though I medically do not have to, I have been. I have found myself having more panic attacks, barely making it through one store and nightmares have started creeping back in. So I find myself anxious just leaving the house...but the anxiety of having someone get in my face or say something negative to me gives me just as much anxiety so I constantly find myself at a crossroads...sure I could online shop and do pick up, but I am desperately craving some normalcy...so I find myself at a crossroad and not sure what that all means.

I miss church. I miss community. I am thankful for ways to connect online in both areas, but I miss the normalcy of it all and the ability to just hug a friend. He is not lost on these feelings I have...these struggles and for that I am so thankful.

I can see His hand in the things I am studying....things that I needed to hear to grow, to be comforted...and they were things scheduled before time, but so deeply rooted and suited for this exact time in my life. I am thankful that He went before me and prepared a way, but the truth is if I had not been faithful to making sure I was spending daily time with Him, cultivating a deeper relationship, I know that my depression would be spiraling even more and into a really dark place.
Living with anxiety and depression can be debilitation. Add my CRPS and Fibromyalgia on top of that and it can be debilitating and crippling. The darkness that seeps in is paralyzing...
But God. He has given me so much this past year. And I don't say that because I have it all figured out...because like I said above, the attacks and nightmares are getting rough...job hunting for a part time job or something I can do from home that doesn't require a mask is getting rough...hopelessness is lurking...frustration is just around the corner and despair is down the road...BUT I see them there...lurking and I am doing my best to keep myself so close to Him that even when I find myself crying my eyes out, I can pull myself out and lean into Him...
I am so thankful for worship music...right now that is my lifeline. That is what I use to pull myself back and refocus and press into the One that I know is carrying me, has a plan and a purpose and that things will come to be in His timing and in regards to masks and what to do next...well, one day at a time.

I want to be light. I want to be someone that points others to Him, that loves first and gives hope.....
He has given me so much lately....my dream volunteer opportunity...an upcoming conference that I prayed to attend this year...a little corner of a room to write, study and dream in...I was able to watch my son marry the girl of his dreams...hug a lot of my family, spend some quality time with them, laugh and cry tears of joy...a tool that help relieves a lot of my pain...this month has many things to be thankful for and even in the midst of all things crazy and uncertain, He has shown and proven Himself to be faithful.

I refuse to let the things that cripple me get to me. I want to walk in the joy that can only come from Him...I want to see all the good before any of the bad...
I have listened to this song so many times the past week and it is such a beautiful reminder that He made a way for us...it has reminded me where to take all the things that I need to give to Him and that He will never leave my side...that He has already overcome...and in every season of my life, He loves me.

I pray it gives you something to hold on to today....