Being Still
Psalm 46:10a says, "Be still and know that I am God."
Being still is not easy for me and if I had to guess, it is not easy for many of us.
I am sure by now many of you have heard of the enneagram. I am a 2, "The Helper". I have a need to be needed, even when I am not wanted. I tend to act out of fear of losing the people I love the most and in this fear I can act out of a desperation and over extend myself just to prove I am worthy of being loved. In this, I have to constantly remind myself that I am completely and utterly loved by Him and it never fails.
The biggest problem with this is that in acting out of fear, I can become too much. Relationships are desperately important to me, and "my people" matter more to me than anything. It almost feels wrong to not help when I see it there and in that, I have a tendency to over-help before I realize I have done it.
"Being still" is almost not an option in my what should I do scenarios. I want to fix, I want to help, I want to be liked, to be loved a lot of the times I find my self exhausted, broken, hurt and feeling the exact opposite of helpful, a burden.
God has knocked me back many times in the past few years for not being still. Over and over He reminds me and shows me what can happen if I be still and let Him do the work. Sometimes, I am able to pause and remind myself to be still and other times, in my emotions, I try to fix...help...and end up having to learn a harder lesson.
I don't know why this is such a hard lesson. I could pull the excuse that it is just who I am, I mean I am a 2, what more can I do? The truth is, I can do plenty. Just taking a breath before I react and whisper the above 8 words would probably make a huge difference. Yet in my stubbornness or maybe even defiance, I don't and in the end many times I suffer and so do my relationships.
I think the people who have suffered the most in this part of me, are my boys. All three of them. I think it has hurt and damaged our relationships with each other, I think that it has made me look like someone I don't want them to think I am and I think that at times, it has broken something in the relationship that may not be repairable. Maybe mended, but not fully repairable.
For Aaron, forgiveness comes without fail and understanding and acceptance without hesitation - after years of putting up with and learning to understand who I am. He remains the constant in my life. Reminding me that I don't need to strive so hard, but knowing that when I love, I love deep and sometimes, I end up hurt. I thank God everyday for giving me a husband who wipes the tears away and is "still" and can pull me back to the stillness God keeps reminding me I desperately need.
Below is a song that I like to listen to when I am feeling all the things and need to be coaxed back into stillness. I am so thankful for music and for those who allow themselves to be used by Him to give us songs filled with truth that can reach me in a way that isn't always traditional, but guides me to a place of quiet and pulls me to His Word. I love the lyrics:
"If You are with me, what can overwhelm me? You render silent, all of my worry."
Only He can render silent ALL of my worries...
