Another Mountain
Emptiness.
That is what starts to happen when everything around you starts to crash down. The emptiness starts to seep in and the darkness begins to expose everything you have worked so hard to get passed and emerge from.
Triggers.
The never-ending things that bring back a flood of feelings and hurts in the quickest moment you can imagine and leaves you sifting through wreckage for days just to get back to the initial issue that you were trying to get through.
Fear.
The irrationalness inside you begins to not be able to allow you to completely process all of the things you are thinking, feeling and experiencing, so you end up in a massive amount of tripped over curbs with the road paved with good intentions covered in more wreckage.
Brokenness.
The situation has become so deeply painful that you feel gutted, like everything in you just shattered with the unexpected grief and loss and it feels like the pieces are so shattered that nothing can put them back together again,
Depression.
Night after night filled with tears, self hatred, doubt, moments of begging God to just take you because you cannot feel this or do it ONE MORE DAY. The morning creeps in and the fake smile goes on while the insides weep with despair.
Nothing.
You have become a shell. Confused, questioning, endless moments of trying to pinpoint just the moment it all went wrong. And there is nothing. Nothing makes sense. Nothing fits the bill and nothing is who you have become.
But God.
Ah, you have finally stopped and taken a deep, deep breath and remembered the mountains He has placed before you in the past and you know He can move them again.
Waiting.
This is the hardest part. You don't get to know the whole timeline. Now it is time to TRUST. Be Still and know He is God and He has went before you before and is going before you again.
Hope.
What else is there to cling to when the one thing you never saw coming is now here and nothing you can say or do can fix it, but He can. So you wait. You hope. You PRAY. You soak deep into His truth and find refuge in the Comfort of His Word and in the music that always finds a way to break the barrier and center your heart to be one of listening.
Patience.
Your least favorite place to be because it is the hardest place for you to let go and lean into His control. But you have gleaned much before in this time and so you must trust that this is to just deepen that understanding,
Love.
His great, unfailing love. Now is the time to press in and allow yourself to be covered in it. What else is there when nothing else makes sense. His love is what saved you and it is His love that will bring you through again.
Embrace.
Embrace the process. The grief, the pain, the feelings, the everything moments that find you seeking for any type of relief or answer and make sure you fall right back into the embrace that will hold you through another night. Don't stuff all the feeling and things, work through them. One at a time. He will guide you if you seek Him.
Another mountain needs to be climbed. I am sure I will fall. I am sure I will break. I am sure that I will fight, but I am also sure that when I fall, He will catch me. When I break, He will remold me. When I fight, He will calm my willful spirit into submission and again, I will rest in Him because there is no where else to go.
What we go through doesn't have to make sense in the moment. It may not make sense on this side of heaven, but what we do with it is what will bring Him the glory and the honor and I want to honor Him and do my absolute best to embrace whatever He has for me in this season of life.
So I reach.
Into His loving hand I place mine and together we begin to climb the mountain. One step at a time.
