One Weekend. One Book. One Word.

Colossians.

I was blessed to have been able to spend the past weekend with a lot of women, focused in on the book of Colossians and being reminded that I am "Held (hold)".

Paul is by far one of the most well known apostles. He holds a deeply rooted and powerful testimony of a man changed from legalism to faith and spends the rest of his life fighting the fight of faith, giving his life and service to His name.

I have learned a lot from Paul, his books and even just his testimony.

I was rocked this weekend.

Personal testimony woven into scripture is always powerful. For me, it brings logic and emotion into His truth and hits both the left side and right side of my brain and makes all the senses light up.

I have shared a lot of my truth in this blog, but certainly not all. Many of you who read this know more about me then I have shared and some may only know what they have seen in a paper or heard through the voices of those who speak. Regardless, my story has a past, present and a big future. I am always learning, always growing, continually falling and with His hand, being pulled back up.

We all know about the Proverbs 31 woman. We are constantly encouraged to strive to be like her - that she is the "goal". I was challenged this weekend to become a Colossians 3 woman and for once I found myself deeply convicted and looking at something that was not only attainable, but something I could take today and compare to tomorrow.

In Colossians 3: 1-17, Paul teaches us about putting on the new self. In Colossians 3:17-25, he teaches us about our home.

My convictions were about how I am day to day. Now in full truth, I am by no means perfect. I live a lot by my emotions and am constantly having to remind myself to breath before I speak. Day to day friends, day to day.

Colossians 3:8-10 (esv)

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.

I know that I still have work to do in putting these things away. I am not in denial about my faults and my failings.

Colossians 3:12-15 (esv)

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, If one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

I know that I have grown a lot in these things. I know some days I am far better than others. The irony in this is that this is something I probably extend more easily to others and not as easily to the ones in my home.

Being the only girl in my house can be difficult. The past few years have been difficult. Moving from parenting teenage boys to adult men is difficult. There is no manual for this. I have failed. I have failed a lot. I was highly convicted of this many times this weekend.

Letting your kids go is hard. Figuring out what those relationships look like is hard. Knowing when to step in and when to let them live and learn, well hard doesn't begin to describe it. And as I am sure others can testify, one child is not like the other and it almost is like starting over again. My feelings get hurt, I react in pain and I dig a ravine between me and them. And over and over I try and sometimes the ravine gets filled in and sometimes is gets deeper by the second. It is exhausting and it is so deeply wounding and hard.

But God.

I think one of the greatest things we can do as a parent is admit where we fail and apologize. And out of respect for my children, I won't say to which one and for what I was convicted of because I also believe that without their permission, spilling all the stuff this way is not acceptable. Aaron has given me cart blanche with our relationship and marriage, the boys have not.

Either way, I don't say those things as a tease to some big reveal, but as a note, that when HE convicts, we must act. Even as a parent, we should act in regards to our kids. I don't care it it is the most difficult season of life with them. I don't care if they will laugh in your face. When He speaks and when He calls for repentance and brings us to conviction, we should always answer.

Colossians 3:18 (esv)

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

I think that for each marriage what this looks like is different. Let me be VERY clear. Submitting to your husband is not something that is negotiable but what that means from one husband to the next may be different. Many people would say that "I wear the pants" because I am more vocal, speak up more...but when my husband says "no" for me that means "no". No matter how much I don't like it, no matter how much I disagree. He is the head of our marriage and I trust his logical and thoughtful judgement.

Again, I felt a lot of conviction in this area. One, because I am more spoken and opinionated and two, I know there are times where I let him speak, but I do not always let myself shut my own thoughts down enough to listen. This, to me, is me not being submissive. Lately, I was not being quite enough in my speech or in my mind to actually listen and hear his thoughts and opinions. It wasn't because we didn't agree, but because I was so wrapped in my own self, that I wasn't giving space in my head for his thoughts and opinions.

Many would say this isn't about submission, but for me, the conviction I felt told me it was. I should not only do this as his wife, but as his friend. His thoughts and opinions matter. Even if he agrees with me, his thought process, concerns, how the route should be taken may not only differ from mine, but be a better route. Instead, I heard him agree and just stopped hearing and started planning...whatever. This is not honoring to God or my husband. And again, when convicted, I acted and not just apologized, but made it clear to him that he needed to halt me if/when I do it again. He deserves more and he deserves better.

All the men in my home do.

But most of all, He does. He has done so much for me. He continues to do so much for me. Just putting me in this weekend, with these truths and these women was doing so much for me. After all, it helped me see where I needed to let go of the old and put on the new.

He is the potter and I the forever clay. Sometimes more rigid and hard against His loving hands and sometimes I am pliable and easy to be remolded. That is where I always want to be - pliable. So I will continue to press in and open myself to growth and change.

After all, the more I let go of control and allow Him to Hold me in the process. After all, as Colossians 1:17(esv) so beautifully says, "and in Him ALL things HOLD together".