Time, Space & the In Between
It has been almost three months since I sat here, hands to keyboard, heart ready to just pour out. There hasn't been a lack of words or thoughts...more of just a lack of wanting to really put myself out there.
It is never easy to bare a deep part of yourself this way. I have grappled a lot with those feelings, lately. Being laid bare before others. Knowing that there could be judgment or even rejection. It is a weird place to sit sometimes and I guess I just needed a moment.
So much has happened in the day to day, but He has been so truly faithful. As I sit here this Easter Sunday, I find myself so deeply grateful for Him. I don't ever want to take for granted what He did for me. To know I was worth the cost...He saw my sin, yet loved me more. He saw my brokenness and felt it deserved to be filled with His grace...He saw all the times I would reject Him and He still chose death. Nothing can compare to that kind of love. Nothing.
Him and I have had a lot of conversations lately. What next? Why this? Where is this all leading? Why these sufferings? Why this hurt?
The truth is, I asked for growth. I asked Him to form me more into His image and for some reason, I always forget that means that sometimes you have to go through it before you can get to the place. The place where lessons and growth meet and you can look behind you and see the path you took to get there and you can see why those sufferings, those hurts were part of the process. I don't know if I will ever get used to the refinement.
The in between. I feel like I live in the in between. The space between the beginning and the end...and isn't that really what life is about? Living in the between of our own creation to the end of our human life...where the beginning starts all over, but all of the things that keep us from a life of true freedom, of the purest of all joys and from a complete relationship with Him no longer can hold us back.
Forever.
What a day that will be. Where the beginning begins again and this time it is done where the light keeps the darkness out forever and the gates are always open because there is nothing that needs to be kept out.
So in these moments where I find myself asking the what's and why's, I will remember that it is all for a reason and that as I live in this in between, I will hold on to the Hope that came as He walked out of the tomb....death defeated...eternity open to all who believe....grace, mercy and love for those who just accept it and most of all, a sacrifice made because He loved that much.
His love is like no other. People will fail us....but He never will.
