Stepping Out of the Fear and Into the Light
Fear....it is crippling, it is real, it holds us back. By definition, fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous.
What if one day you wake up and you realize that the thing you fear most is yourself. That you have come to realize that the biggest danger in your life is you. That you have allowed so many lies and so many untruths creep into your life that the person you see in the mirror is no longer being seen through the eyes of a loving Savior, but through the eyes of the one who desires to hurt you the most...the one who wants nothing more than for you to no longer walk in the truths of who you are called to be...the one who takes our deepest hurts, insecurities and pain and convinces us that we are nothing.
You have spent so long looking in the mirror and telling yourself how unworthy you are....how undeserving you are....how ugly you are....that no one would ever like you if they knew the real you, that you have pushed yourself so deep into the darkness that the light is almost impossible to reach. You have allowed yourself to believe the enemy so deeply that the thing you need the most has become a fear....because the lies you have allowed yourself to believe are now telling you that He could never look at you with anything more than contempt.
This pain and these things are real in my life. I have struggled in my walk with Him for so long. I have never doubted His goodness, His truth, His words...I have never doubted them for anyone else, but for some reason, I have always questioned them for myself. I know this isn't logical. I know this is not biblical, but it is honest and it is real. I have worked hard to keep these lies and the enemy at bay, I read His Word, I study, I seek counsel and pray truths over my life. Still the fear creeps in....the lies get whispered....and life circumstances crush me....and all of the sudden I am drowning...Here what I am saying here. I ALLOW....that is right, I ALLOW these lies...
A month ago I saw this:
I was stopped still....I believe that He shows us things in His Word, in our daily lives that are preparing us for something...it was in the moment that I read this that I knew...it was time to fight for myself. As a momma and as a wife, I have put my people first....that is what we are supposed to do. I don't regret it, I don't think I was wrong and I believe at the core of who I am that it was what I was supposed to do. The problem was I left myself out of the equation. I didn't allow a space for me. That is wrong, it is not okay and there always has been room for me to make that space. I ALLOWED myself to believe I didn't deserve it.
When I read that statement, I realized that I allowed too many hurts, too many lies come between me and the biblical truth I have read over and over again. I am worthy. I am worthy of love, of acceptance of GRACE...and I needed to stop creating my own fear and step into the light of His truth. So I am. Does that mean that I will never fear, probably not. I am an imperfect person, trying to find my way in an imperfect life. Walking in truth and ALLOWING God to refine you in the fire can be fearful, but it is not the same crippling fear that comes from the biggest deceiver, the biggest liar....the enemy.
I have spent years struggling with who I am and accepting myself. Instead, I am going to spend the time embracing myself....the uniqueness that is me...letting Him refine me in the fire...to stop fearing the judgments because I don't fit a specific mold....I am working on it.
I pray this makes me a better momma, a better wife, family member, friend.....I think when we walk in our truth, in the beauty that we are, it is only natural that the same beauty He grows within us will pour out into the others in our life.
In a field of wildflowers, there are many colors, different shapes, different sizes, different heights...in a field of wildflowers, I want to be unique. I want to be a woman who stands in the midst and embraces all the other flowers in the field. Who embraces herself. Who sees her differences and finds them worthy. I want to stand in the mirror and smile at the person looking back at me and tell her freckled face and rosy cheeks that she is unique because she was knit in her mother's womb by the Creator Himself. That she can be set apart and speak truth and love into the lives of others, especially women. That she too is deserves goodness, kindness, GRACE, compassion and forgiveness.
For so long, I have desired to write (blog). To type my heart without fear that people will think I sound dumb, judge me, point out the flaws in my writing or the things I think, feel and have opinions about. So today, I say no to the fear. Maybe no one will read this and maybe it won't make any difference...but today the deceiver was reminded that Jesus has already won the war and that he cannot hang this fear in my face anymore. Today I speak this truth over myself and into my life ---
Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it to the day of Jesus Christ - Philippians 1:6
