Rejection, Loss, Hurt....Seasons of Growth are Never Easy

This is not an easy post to pour out.  

There is times in our life that the weight of what we carry needs to be poured out.  For me, this is my place.  When emotions begin to pile in my heart and mind, it starts a wearing process.  My heart, my soul, my mental health....I am one of those people that needs to talk about things, process them with others, I absolutely prefer to put all on the table and know where everyone stands...this doesn't work for everyone.

I love deep and I love hard.  This is a blessing and it is also one of the things that causes me some of the deepest pain.  I know I am not for everyone.  I am okay with that.  I spent many years of my life trying to be "liked"....trying way to hard to get people to love me the way I loved them...trying to figure out what was wrong with me...this past year,  have worked hard to grow in this area and to stop allowing others opinions and how they viewed me be how I viewed myself.  I know who I am in His eyes.  I know who I am as a person.  I know I have value and that I have a lot to give.  Even in this, rejection still stings.  It still feels like the worst punch in the gut, especially when my feelings for them are real and true.  The pain is gripping.

For me, I have to work through that rejection.  It is not something I can just take in and walk on.  I have to feel the rejection, process all the hurt and then figure out how to deal with the fact that the way I feel about the person still exists and not allow that to keep me trying to change their mind.

Sometimes you can give so much of yourself, support, love and do all you can to cultivate a relationship and it does nothing.  It means nothing.  It changes nothing.  Their opinion of you, the way they feel is their absolute right and even when you feel it isn't fair or you don't understand...you have to learn to let it go.

For me, this doesn't change the way I feel about the person, it just means I have to put it in the back of my heart, leave the door cracked for possibilities and just keep going.  

But lately, the keep going has felt like walking through cement.  The weight of lost relationships, rejection, and hurt feelings has been heavy.  I literally feel like the weight of the hurt, the rejection is suffocating.  The hardest part is that I didn't see the wall coming.  I didn't realize all of these feelings were building up.  I didn't realize that the lurking feeling was my own pain creeping up on me.  I just thought there was lurking of day to day stresses...

Then, BAM.  The wall ripped open and out came all the thoughts, hurts, rejections...and I am undone.

Yes, I am spending daily time with Him.  Yes, I am prioritizing all the things.

But, I am still a person.  One with feelings and emotions and one that still has to process loss, suffering, rejection and hurt.  

I think that something we all need to realize is that on a path of purpose.  On a path of walking into the things He has for you, we will be met with roadblocks...pits...MOMENTS.  Today, I hit a roadblock, fell into a pit and had a long moment.  And in this, I will allow myself the time to process all this built up stuff and I will seek Him and find a way to move forward.  

I don't want to not be who I am.  I want to be someone who loves deep even if it means I hurt deep.  I want to be able to walk away from the things that hurt and not feel this sense of deep loss.  I also know that this may be the place He needs me to be in so I can grow.  I knew at some point I was going to have to walk into a place that hurt because this season of life is asking for it.  

Some seasons of growth bring forth momentum.  Some seasons requires devastation.  Some seasons require a hurricane of all the feelings, the emotions so that you can be refined in the deepest parts of your heart.  This is a season that requires a lot of obedience because in a hurricane, you will be devastated, suffer loss, you will hurt and you will probably spend some time railing, but it the sun eventually comes...the promises of God prevail and you are able to look in the mirror and see someone that has been created more into His image.

I see Him in all of this.  I see His light ahead of the storm.  I feel His presence and I know He is near.  For this moment, He has a plan.  I know I will see His faithfulness in all of the grief and I know He will heal the parts of me that feel broken.