Figuring out the Why...
Jesus Follower.
Wife.
Momma.
....
Your list may look different and that is okay. Maybe you are just finishing school or entering a new relationship...maybe you are single and loving it or taking care of a parent....whatever walk of life you are in, I believe that even though I am speaking of my place in life this can speak to you.
I do not think I have it all figured out. I do not think I have begun to figure it all out. There are a few things I am absolutely sure about and there are some I am still like, uh...what? and then I have the parts that are a work in progress.
My whole life has been a work in progress. Almost two years ago my life was completely rocked. Please know that when I speak of everything about my life and the people in it, they know before it gets put out there.
2016 was a rough year...at the beginning of that year, I found myself in a place where I was ready to give up on my marriage, not because I didn't love my husband, but because we had stopped creating a space for us and I didn't know how to get that space to go from a million miles apart to be next to each other again. We had teenage kids that were busy with school activities and were just going, going, going...I was struggling with myself, who I was, where my place was...I don't think this is an uncommon thing. I think that many of us get to these weird places where you almost feel stuck...everything has become about the kids and you just forget to stop and just breathe...by His grace, I started counseling (this has been one of the best decisions I have ever made) and began to really try to "figure it" out. The year went on with ups and downs -- and towards the end of that year I began to have some health issues and eventually in December, was preparing to have surgery and was in the hospital for observation, pending surgery the next morning...it was that next morning that I was found unresponsive and that situation brought on the next and the next...and here I am almost 2 years later of dealing with health issue after health issue finally coming into a new place -- and it is here that my "why?" has finally started to emerge.
These guys ( I love this picture from a year ago...). I bet you are like, well, that wasn't hard to see what she was going to say her why was....and yes, they are in the list of my why...they are pretty close to the top....but you see, that is where part of the problem has always laid....everything in my life was about them...their needs, wants...and yes, that is not a bad thing. I do not regret a moment, a decision, a sacrifice....do not misunderstand me here. I love being a wife and momma...the problem is it was always them...first.
In the past few months, I have come to so much realization. They are no longer the top of my list of why....the top of my list is right here....
Yes, that is me. Yes, I have decided that I have to be my top priority. Truth moment for me -- I cannot be the wife and momma that my guys need if I am not taking care of myself. I cannot give them the best of who I am if I am always tired, beaten down, struggling, feeling like garbage, not fully present because my mind is not at peace....this is real. It is not okay to treat yourself in a way that you would never treat another person. I was not taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically. Sure, most of the time I put on a heck of a mask...smiling saying "okay" when asked how I was doing, but I was not okay. I was dying inside... in more ways then one. I was not a priority for myself and no one was getting any kind of version of me that was what they should be getting.
It is easy to get lost in life. There are so many pieces of my puzzle that are not at all what I thought they would be or what I want them to be. There is so much that I am literally sitting here asking Him for intervention, for clarity, to step in and show up in a mighty way... and that is okay. Those pieces are in the middle of the puzzle...it is the frame that has become strong. That is going to be able to withstand in the storm...and the frame is me.
For me, counseling has been key in this. I am still a work in progress in that area, but it has given me so much. In July I made a decision for my health that terrified me, but with reluctance I had Weight Loss Surgery in a last attempt to try to slow down the fast working damage my liver was experiencing (I was potentially looking at needing a transplant in 3-5 years). That surgery meant WORK and if I do not do the work, the surgery is useless. The first almost 2 months were hard. I had complications, I had regrets...so many regrets....but along these months, I believe He was preparing a path...one I could not see and then pieces came -- He began to show me who and what mattered...who and what really cared and was real....He brought some new people in my life...one who spoke some serious life into me and still is (just the other day sending me a message speaking on things they did not know....that was just from Him confirming some absolutes I needed to hear)...and I made a decision for myself.
October 1st I started getting up earlier...working out...taking time daily to be in His Word and work on developing myself...within 7 days it clicked how much I needed to be a top priority. How much I needed to take time for myself, no matter what and actually care about all aspects of my person...it has been so life changing and I believe that the more I give to myself-- the more I push to fill up my cup with His Truth, His Promises, His Words...the more I keep working through the things I need to in counseling...the more my health keeps swinging up...I am absolutely convinced that I will be a better wife, momma, family member, friend....I am convinced because I already feel myself emerging....maybe they have not noticed...the three guys above...but I have. I notice every time I look in the mirror and don't immediately think negative thoughts...I notice every time I open His Word and I find myself hungry to learn....but most of all, I notice in the quiet moments, when I realize that I can do more than I ever thought I could...when it is okay to dream and let them come true....when I realize that I am finally emerging from a place of self hatred into a place where I can finally love myself...when I am no longer wanting to wear a mask of protection and I just want to be the real me....
I am a child of the One true King. I am worthy of His love, grace and mercy. I am precious in sight...so I should be precious in my own....I cannot do this life it I am not putting Him first...and then myself...not because I want to be selfish, but because I deeply want the people in my life to get the best version of me...so when I give to them, I absolutely do not need anyone but Him and myself to fill my cup...expectation and pressures on other people have been reduced because I am not looking for everyone else to fill me up....I already have what I need in Him and in myself...this...just this girl doing the work that is necessary to be able to be all He has called me to be...as a wife....as a momma...as a family member....friend....and in the brief moments where I wish I would have figured this out when my boys were little, I remind myself that everything in my life has lead up to this...and it is okay to forgive myself in all the years that I have lacked....because it is what happens today that leads into tomorrow....if He wills.
Don't confuse all of this for thinking I think I have found perfection...heck I have missed a few workouts and have lost my sanity, my temper...I have had a moment of two of doubt...I am human after all....but I am absolutely sure of how to draw back now...accountability, GRACE...His truth and promises...because after all...the God that created the Universe thought that it needed one of me in it....and how can I squander such a beautiful gift because I chose to not take care of the life He gave me...
