Brokenness

Broken.

Have you ever met someone who could say that they never have been broken? I haven't. Maybe their brokenness was just a small crack, easily filled and sealed with a permanent fix, but nevertheless, they have been broken.

Then you meet some that have been broken so deep, they were shattered into dust so small, only the Potter was able to put them back together. It was a slow creation to be made back into someone whole again or maybe they are still a work in progress. After all aren't we ALL a work in progress?

I have been through the dust period. I feel like I am almost there again, but differently than before. I am okay with the refinement. The parts where He is just trying to create me more into His image. That is the ultimate goal, to be more like Him.

Truthfully, I hate the pain part. I hate the parts that do not make sense and nothing you say, do or think makes it make more sense. Just a lot of pain without a lot of understanding. Spiritually, I know that it is sometimes part of the process. The human side of me hates the millions of emotions. The day to day triggers. The times where it seems like pain has passed, but then comes rushing back in waves....the back and forth is mentally and emotionally exhausting.

I know His plan is greater than my human mind can comprehend and I know that there may be things I never understand on this side of heaven. I know His Word says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."(Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). I believe that, but there are days that my heart cannot fathom why it has to be so painful.

I know He is a God of restoration, He is a God of healing and He is a God that desires Peace. I feel that some days I have spent so much more time in a valley then I have climbing a mountain. I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way. I used to struggle and feel like I was being punished. I know now that the feeling of being punished is a lie from the enemy. I know that sometimes these valleys are the consequences of other choices or maybe my own. I am so far from perfect. I have had to learn a lot about GRACE. Grace for myself, grace for others....The grace for others is a lot easier than grace for myself.

The past few weeks have been rough. I am not saying that there hasn't been some times of joy and laughter or just a nice even day, but they have been rough. This hasn't changed the way I feel about Him, it has made me even more desperate for His presence, His peace and has pushed me to be more in His Word. So this valley has already shown me that my need for Him is even greater than I thought it was.

The valleys or maybe you prefer to call it the desert or wilderness, is one of those things that He uses to purify us, our motives and to help us grow. There is part of me that wants that part of the valley, but I could do without the rest. Unfortunately, that is not how it works.

I think that is a hard thing for believers and nonbelievers to sometimes comprehend. The fact that we still suffer and struggle and have trials, but the Bible is clear that we will suffer trials and tribulations and that He will be will us "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."(Romans 8:28 ESV)

So here I am, broken. But if it what I have to be so that He can mold me more for His purpose, then that is what I have to be. The pains and sufferings of the cause of my brokenness have me questioning a lot of things about myself, but it has also caused me to remind myself about the truth of what His Word says about me. I am just an imperfect person trying to do my best in an imperfect world where many things do not make sense.

I am just thankful I have a perfect Savior to carry me through the darkest of days and the hardest of nights.