Broken

Broken.

There is no other way to describe how I feel when I look at all that is happening around us today. I have struggled to put hand to keyboard. To ensure that my words are respectful and hold honor to those I love, to those who are hurting, to truly acknowledge the injustice and pain that I see...because my heart feels broken.

These are my feelings. This is my heart and my words...like everything else, I feel that I must put them to "paper" and hope that maybe they will help another or show that compassion and empathy are here and that sometimes there is just so much inside that the only way to start processing and doing is to start saying...

I am broken for what has happened to George Floyd. I am appalled and even seeing and hearing with my own ears and eyes since we moved to Tennessee (I have grown up in northern Indiana close to Chicago and went to a very diverse high school and did not experience things there like I have here. I am not saying there isn’t racism everywhere, I am just speaking on how my eyes were opened when we moved here.) how alive racism still is, I am shocked by what little I was able to watch of his murder. I am tired of hearing of his past indiscretions, sins...whatever you want to call them because frankly I don't care what he did 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 week ago, nothing makes anything we saw okay. Nothing. Nothing ever will make it okay.

I want to be clear. There are evil people. Where there are evil people, that means that there are evil people in every profession. There are good people. Where there are good people, that means that there are good people in every profession. We as a family have had interactions with cops because of some issues with our oldest. We have interacted with some good cops and we have interacted with some bad cops. We personally know some amazing cops who I personally would go to the ends of the earth to defend. I also sit here today and I will tell you that if I would have been there when George Floyd's neck was being kneeled on, I would have used my voice to tell him to check for a pulse, but I would have also pushed him off of him, even if it meant going to jail myself because I would have not stood there and watched a man get murdered.

I want to be clear when I say that as I watch destruction my heart is grieved and I may not understand, but I want to be very clear and talk about trauma. Trauma is real and when people suffer from trauma, especially over and over again, triggers become real. I saw this on a FB page and because I do not know the person, I do not want to put their name on the blog, but I am going to put the quote in quotations:

"Here’s my take on the riots in Minneapolis. As a teacher, when a student wrecks a classroom, throws things, breaks things, slams things, and completely melts down. That’s called trauma. We’re supposed to respond by standing with that child, love that child, and working to heal. What is happening in Minneapolis and has happened in other places, to me, is an act of trauma. A kind trauma that no white person in America can fathom. A kind of trauma that’s source is deep, evil, and generational. It stems from slavery, oppression, torture, and a long standing hate. George Floyd’s murder is a clear martyr of this reality. The reaction is trauma. Why wouldn’t we respond by standing with black people, loving black people, and working hand and hand with our black communities in order to heal."

This is real and this is true. As an adult who has suffered trauma, I have triggers and sometimes the triggers cause crying and sometimes they cause anxiety and sometimes they cause confusion and anger...and I lash out and am short....once upon a time I may have punched a wall or felt an overwhelming need to break things...but hear me...I have been places where I have sat in football stands and heard grown adults yelling unspeakable things to kids based on the color of their skin and saw refs ignore the other team throwing punches...and let me tell you seeing it angered me and Aaron had to stop me from losing it many times because I was ready to throw punches...so telling people to go back to their side and shut their mouths was all that I did and it was not enough...

We should be listening. We can listen and not understand all the reactions we are seeing. We can listen and not agree with all of the things that are said. We can listen and start a change in our own home in how we act...because we can all do better. You can support the police but not be okay with everything that is happening within the police force. We can support our brothers and sisters in their fight to be heard and not be okay with seeing things burned down - but hear me - as I have watched clip after clip (and I am not okay with all of what I am seeing) I have seen many white people starting fires and starting the destruction and looting...so be mindful of your assumptions because the media loves to keep the assumption of who the bad guys are going...

Take an assessment of yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions. Go to your friends who are POC and ask them to honestly tell you where you can be better. Be willing to hear where you are maybe to comfortable, where you need to grow. Most of all ask them what they need from you to feel truly loved and accepted.

Be part of the solution. Be part of the community who wants to be part of bridging the gap. Listen. Hear what is being said. This is more than just one incident. This is about a bigger picture. One that some of us haven't even been alive long enough to even have seen or can begin to understand, but it is one that we can start to break a generational curse within our own families. It is one that we can start to be a generation that does more and does better. It is something that can change.