She Speaks…Again
It has been a minute.
I don’t think it was one that was needed, but I know now that it would have not been authentic.
My husband blessed me with the ability to attend the “She Speaks” conference and all I can say is He knows. I needed the words, the Truth, the time, the awakening…
To say I have been speaking from a broken, confused and struggling heart is the truth. As I look back at my blogs and as I see that I am still in the hallway this is just where I was and kind of still am.
But what is true and what is real is that some of that is because I was in my own way. Grief hit me in a way that I was not prepared for and still am navigating. What I allowed the Enemy to steal in that time is more than I even realized. Lies crept in, doubt filled my heart and I was questioning so much…
Yes, I know that I never lost sight of Him, but I lost sight of who I am in Him. I lost my voice and I gained doubt, feelings of unworthiness, feeling of being filled with lies of the past and a voice that gave way to me questioning my purpose and my calling.
Someone asked me that how could I still know He was near and be in His Truth and lose so much to the lies of the enemy?
I isolated. I didn’t share my struggles. I gave into the lies, but did it with almost a veil over myself because I made so many excuses for not DOING. Once I was lost in it all, it just became common place. A place I was almost comfortable sitting because I convinced myself that it was just a season…there was more to learn…so I made the hallway longer because I wasn’t ready to even face the fact that I was responsible for how the journey was going.
I can look back now and see that He was whispering to me that I was lost in lies, but well, I guess I needed to be hit in the face. The best part of this conference is that it was a hit in the face with so much Truth and in a way that allowed me to lift the veil I had been living in slowly, with grace and forgiveness for myself…and I left equipped with thoughts, ideas, books and a lot of love.
Most of all I want to say this because I just feel it is important to put down for accountability and because my heart says that maybe I am not alone in being in a place like this…
God is Truth. It is not just about daily devotionals or reading. scripture or two, but also about seeking, praying and truly coming to Him with all your hopes, dreams, hardships, questions…leave nothing to chance. Even though we know He knows all of our thoughts and our hearts, it is in confession and lamenting that things come of the dark and the veil of lies can be lifted and work can be done.
His timing is His timing for a reason. It is not always about the masses, but maybe just about the one. Maybe I will never see what being obedient looks like on this side of heaven and in Him you can learn to be okay with that.
Most of all, He sees you. He will find a way to show you when the whispers are not working. He sees you.
PS This song was one we sang at the conference and it was such a beautiful, tear filled time for me…
