Control, Conviction and Ruin...Beauty from Ashes
Well. I wish I had some big amazing reason for why I am sitting here, humbled and broken. I don't. I am just a person, sitting here realizing that sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I fall back into old patterns and end up in the same place I have been before, except this time, I had to be smashed into ashes again.
Control. This is the biggest idol in my life. Over and over again, I have released things to Him, just to pick it all back up when it wasn't happening on my timeline. A year ago, I learned a crushing lesson and thought I was finally getting it. A year later, I sit here, humbled and learning an even harder lesson on just how quickly we can pick back up an idol and become so quickly wrapped up in it, we have started an implosion of epic proportions and as the dust settles around us, we realize we may not have learned anything at all.
Let me be more clear. I learned many lessons and it caused many positives in my walk with Him, my desperate need for Him and has caused me to deepen my relationship with Him. Yet, in my human self, I made similar mistakes and convinced myself it was out of love, trying to help and just a selfish thought that if I kept on, it would all balance out in the end.
Instead, my inability to let go has led to harsh moments, hurt hearts and broken relationships. I own my responsibility in those things. I also understand that there are many moving parts in everything and in that, somethings may still be sitting in certain places, but many things would be in different places if I could have just let go, trusted His process and stopped trying so hard. As I have mentioned before, learning my enneagram has shown me a lot of things, and in that learning and trying to work through the challenges, with the new study (Trustworthy by Lysa Terkeurst) I am trying to actually truly break this vicious cycle I placed myself in. I do not want this to be the idol that claims all the things that matters most in my life.
Today I found myself convicted in a different way. In the ashes I have piled around myself, I find myself humbled with the gentleness that He has shown me in all the things that I have tried to control and broken and how much love and grace He is giving me as I have found myself in this place again.
It is my prayer that I will start to stop and breath before I speak. That I would pray before I act and that most of all, He will continue to teach and show me just where I start the process of taking control and I stop it before I start. One step at a time.
Those who I have hurt the most know who they are. I wish I had words and guarantees, but all I have is that I am trying. I am working hard at growing and learning to understand myself more and more each day. I can't fix what I have hurt, take back what I have said and redo the things that are so glaringly staring me in the face. I can remind myself daily to put each day in His hands, be in HIs Truth daily and continue to press on in learning to understand myself more and more.
Thank you, Jesus for always bringing to light what should not stay in the darkness. Thank you for showing me what I need to do to be created more into Your image and where I completely lack in trusting You. Most of all, thank you for taking the ashes of my life and making them beautiful in Your time, not mine.
